Craig's Diary
Mark's Diary

Steve

Tomorrow will be my last day on PEP. I feel I ought to do something to celebrate the end of a month of feeling dreadful - but of course, I won’t. I still need to do an HIV test to see if the treatment has worked. Worrying about the test has overcome the decreasing side effects of the drugs I’ve been taking morning and evening for the last month.

I am a gay man in my mid-thirties. I’ve always been safe meaning I’ve always used a condom for anal intercourse. In my case, I became at risk when I accidentally became exposed to my partner’s blood during sex. Immediately knew I was in trouble since my partner is HIV positive.

We went to my nearest sexual health clinic to get the treatment. After less than an hour, I was given the HIV drugs I’ve been using since. I know I’ve been lucky since some friends of mine have had to wait for hours and have met some unhelpful staff.

I knew I had to expect nasty side effects but that first week on the drugs was a nightmare. Just imagine feeling nauseous all day long. It is not like feeling you are going to vomit – it is more a feeling you would get after a nasty ride in a fun fair. Even if you just cannot get interested in eating, it seems that sometimes the effects are less nasty on a full stomach so I kept on eating all day.

The other side effects I got were quite nasty too. After an hour of taking the drugs, I started burping which is pretty nasty when you already feel nauseous. I could also sense that my breath was quite chemical and I had this constant taste of iron. Diarrhoea started on the second day and has been on and off since. I have been lucky since I’ve been off work for the whole month. I can imagine what it would be like in the tube and suddenly have to run to a pub or be in a meeting and have to stop talking to go to the toilets.

Later in the treatment, the side effects decreased but the one which has been pretty constant is the disgust when I have to swallow the pills. Another is fatigue. I’ve never been one to take naps or go to bed early (we are talking about 8pm) but this has been my life pretty much everyday for the last month. The staff at the hospital told me that this didn’t seem like a side effect from the drugs I was using so maybe I should put it down to some kind of depression or hibernation.

Of course, I had to stop a lot of things. The gym - forget it, no energy. Going to restaurants, to a pub, for coffee – no thank you. Seeing food and being in a crowded environment have been the last things I’ve felt like doing. I’ve been to the movies a few times with friends but I’ve dreaded the moment when we would come out of the dark theatre and they would see how ill I Iooked. Sex? I haven’t had an erection for nearly a month. My libido is non existent.

I am lucky. I know that PEP isn’t available everywhere. That’s why I have tried not to complain about the side effects. I haven’t told most of my friends so they don’t worry and I’ve tried to keep quiet about the PEP by not going out. A lot of people can’t stand this treatment and stop after a few days or after two or three weeks. I’ve kept at it to the end but I’ve thought about stopping it so many times. It has affected my life in a big way and I guess it will linger in my mind for a long time. Now it’s time to get around to the idea of being tested…